It's Not Easy...

It's NEVER easy.

Despite doing this for my 5th time.  Regardless of my expectationsIt ... still ... sucks.

I dropped Matt off tonight at the airport to head back to Afghanistan.  To the place he'll call home for another 4.5 months or so. (give or take a few days). 

Unlike living in California during Matt's last unaccompanied tour in Iraq, where we both felt like  virtual strangers in our small cottage on the beach, these three weeks were action packed.  That is, when we both weren't sick.  Our house maintenance was abundant.  The painting of our bedroom and re-painting of our bathroom was a success.  We agreed on a paint color for the downstairs.  I was successful at installing our new fabulous wi-fi thermostat.  Matt helped choose a new, non-smelly treadmill that I'll purchase next week.

In a nutshell, all was great.

But when you're truly honest about being apart as long as many of us in the State Department are during these one-year separated tours, you're also honest about how this much togetherness is sometimes a wee bit too much togetherness.  Especially when both of you aren't working.  When you only have one car.   When you focus SO incredibly much on spending every waking minute together, because the guilt you both feel for spending any time apart is overwhelming ... Well, let's just say it isn't reality.

And that reality adds to the difficulty this lifestyle brings.  It's.  Not.  Easy.

It's cyclical.  Sometimes it's not even something you can comprehend or relate unless you've been in the same position.  Which then, makes commiserating or empathizing difficult.   Which brings you back to realizing that this lifestyle truly takes a village.

Lucky for me, I know the routine.  I know that in less than 5 months we'll be writing our next chapter.  That the loneliness will (thankfully) soon subside.  That we'll get back into a routine and life will deliver it's next set of opportunities.  And in true Perlman fashion, test me with its challenges.

Today?   I'm fragile.  I'm human.  I'm allowing myself some time to wallow in my self-pity.

But by Friday, I hope to begin hunting again my for inner tiger.  Just watch out.  I'm pretty sure when I find it you'll hear me roar!


Robin said...

Hang in there, and safe journey to Matt. xox

Naomi Hattaway @ naomihattaway.com said...


Issa said...

Huge hugs friend.

Christy said...

Love your honesty and love YOU!

Heather Dray said...

Sulk. Cry. Whine (and drink WINE). Meditate. Wallow. Take a nap. Take a walk. Shop. Surf the internet. Hug your kids. Eat some ice cream. ANYTHING that helps, that allows you to process, to feel and sort things out, or to just be. You know this will pass, you know you (all of you) can do it. But you also know all too well how difficult it is, no matter how many times you do it. XO I'm thinking of you all the time girly.

Kat said...

I can not even imagine how difficult it is.
*Big hugs*

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