So you think you have what it takes to watch my kids? Well bring it on! Just let me give you a wee bit of advice** if you want me to ask you back a second time.
* When I tell you the time frame that I'm looking to have you stay with the kids, I'm actually serious about it. Please don't call me during that time and ask me to hurry up or if I plan on coming home sooner. I'm not. If you had other plans, you shouldn't have agreed to come over.
* I'm so glad that you enjoy playing with my kids. But honestly? Don't text me photos of what you're doing with them throughout the night. As long as there isn't blood or property destruction, I truly don't care! I KNOW what they look like and that they're cute. Remember, I'm with them ALL ... DAY ... LONG ... which is exactly why I asked you to babysit in the first place!
* If I say that my kids need to eat a fruit before they have dessert, I'm okay if they eat a vegetable instead (or vice versa). Seriously, if they don't want to eat an apple, but rather ask for carrots, snap peas, or dare I say, broccoli, give them the flipping dessert. Healthy food is healthy food. On the flip side, when you give them dessert, they don't need to eat EVERY kind I have. One, maybe two, is all they need. Sure, you may win points with them if they get ice cream AND otter pops AND popcorn AND cookies, but you don't with me. That is unless you want them to pay you ... in Barbie's or Squinkies or friendship bracelets. Though I'm not quite sure those will pay the rent.
* My daughter's are 7 & 9 years old. They give me the play-by-play of everything you do, and they will rat your ass out! They watch you send and receive texts. They keep track of how much time you spend on your phone. And they KNOW that "just one minute" REALLY means five. Maybe ten. And probably twenty.
* The three year old is recently potty trained. Sure he may act like a camel. But when he tells you he has to go, he doesn't mean in a few minutes. He means RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE ... the "kids" are crowning and ready to be dropped off at the pool.
* Oh and once he's done? Go wipe his butt! He's three. If you wait for him to wipe it, he'll only get as far back as his balls. And frankly, skid marks are gross and you're not the one stuck doing the laundry!
* I LOVE that you want to make dinner, bake cookies, or do fun art projects you found on Pinterest. But if you have the ability to search through my cupboards to use all of my pots, pan and utensils, you can ALSO find the soap. Clean.
* Speaking of money, don't tell me that you need more for your car, your tuition, your house ... and then come the next time and show me your new tattoos and piercings.
* Please be respectful about the people for whom you work. I don't want to hear how awful the other family's children are or how they're ill behaved and disrespectful. I also don't need to hear how poorly the other parents pay, how lackadaisical they are in their discipline, or how they actually make you 'work'. There's an unwritten rule in childcare ... "what happens in babysitting, stays in babysitting". More importantly, you have NO idea who I know ...
* And finally, as you walk out the door at the end of a long night, please don't tell me how you're going to call in sick to work tomorrow. You're really going to disappoint all those kids who are looking forward to your positive attitude ... and your good work ethic.
(who is NOT your mom, NOT your friend, just the crazy woman who pays you a LOT more money than I EVER earned babysitting to watch her three kids)
** Actual scenarios that have happened over the past two months between 3 different sitters.